in a cab and went straight to rehab. He’s a counselor at a Malibu treatment center now.
When did you get clean?
I got clean on December 10, 1988. Before that, I was homeless and had been arrested. My car had been impounded. I had no ID in my pocket anymore. I was living in America without documentation. People kept saying “go to meetings every day,” and I thought, you don’t get it, I need to get a job so I can save money to get a car, so I can drive to a better place to work and get an apartment.
I didn’t get that I would never get my basic living situation together again unless I stopped using drugs. It really distorts your perception, in a way that you just lose touch with reality.I didn’t even know where I was until I heard about Sunset Boulevard. I lost such sense of reality that when I was 27, I lived in an abandoned building in LA, and painted murals on every wall as if I lived in a loft in the Bowery. I was completely isolated but it never really got through. Because I mean, just before that I was decorating parties for Andy Warhol and Jean-Michel Basquiat. I called my parents collect every Sunday, acting like everything was fine.
What role would you say your parents played in your addiction?
When it comes to addiction and family – it’s like being hit by a wall of emotion (for every family member) and the weight of it is overwhelming and terrifying. People respond in different ways – some want to minimize the impact of specific events, deny or rewrite history, allot blame and responsibility. Others want to bypass family history altogether “I’m sober now,” or “he’s sober now – let’s not dwell on the past.”
When it comes to addiction and family, everyone’s caught in their own emotional web filled with shame, grief, loyalty, anger, secrecy, blame and guilt. It’s possible to heal as a family or individually, but it happens slowly and often through the painful work of codependence recovery. Addicts relapse over feelings and for them, addressing the pain connected to their past and their family is critical whether their family participates or not. Family members have been through a lot and it’s the recovering addict’s responsibility to work on themselves – not theirs.
Did you fear returning to NYC and relapsing?
I’d been back several times before moving 1993. The hardest visits were when I’d been clean for less than a year. Every breath I took was fueled by fear of relapse. The entire city kicked up so many feelings, every street was filled with memories of my teenage years. The adventures of when punk rock first started and heroin made me feel invincible.
The destruction of my marriage I’d avoided thinking about, and the shame. When I’d been clean for 3 years, I went on the road, traveling around the country for six months alone. Word got out about the book I was writing, and I started getting a lot of press. By the time I got to New York I was offered a space to do a one-woman show and ended up staying for a few months. By then I was pretty grounded in my recovery program and excited about my life so I was less haunted by the past.
You took opiates after 26 years, for surgical purposes – but you resisted. How was it?
Abuse of medication seems to be the common response whenever anyone with long-term recovery relapses. I had hernia surgery in 2014 and was very concerned with having cravings once a drug entered my system. I spoke with the anesthesiologist prior to surgery and explained my history of heroin addiction. She said she’d reduce the morphine/methadone levels so that I was given enough to put me under but not anymore. This meant she would stand by, to monitor whether or not I had a tolerance and needed more. After surgery, I was given oxycodone pills to take every six hours. I gave these to my neighbor who’s a nurse. She’d leave me 3 pills in the morning and check on me at night. I took the medication as prescribed the first two days and switched to Motrin. I didn’t feel high from them and had no cravings whatsoever.
How did you get into this line of work?
Some friends of my musician ex-husband invited me on tours with them for support or asked me to help them get clean on the DL. I had to work and couldn’t leave without experiencing financial consequences, so they compensated me for my time. I didn’t think of it as a job at all but something that happened on occasion. Other friends in the entertainment industry started suggesting me to people. I wasn’t sure whether or not to tell people because I was positive they would think I was charging for AA sponsorship or something. By the time I ended up becoming known as a recovery coach, I had a lot of experience, but I have kept my hardline intact – a recovery coach is not a sponsor. I won’t read 12 step literature, do step work or talk about God.
What advantages do your personal experiences give you as a sober coach?
I had what people call “low bottom”. I was so isolated. The loneliness was killing my soul probably more than the drugs were killing my body. I almost had my arm amputated, when I spent five days in LA County Hospital with cellulitis and a temperature of 105. No one in the world knew where I was. I lived alone in vacant buildings 3,000 miles from my family. It goes on and on. I experienced the pain of active addiction, hopelessness, and helplessness. I’m committed to sharing every bit of knowledge I’ve gained about recovery and relapse prevention with anyone who wants it. I don’t just mean the clients who hire me. I created a blog filled with recovery tips. I speak at events and colleges. I’m currently working on another television project and writing a book geared towards those who don’t see themselves as “rehab ready” but know their relationship with substances is turning into something worthy of their attention.
If you’re broke and addicted, you can get clean and rebuild your life. Recovery opens unlimited possibilities, whether you are spending $90k a month at an exclusive treatment center or you are on a friend’s sofa and sitting in 12 step meetings.
Author: Livia Areas-Holmblad
Livia Holmblad is an editor at Addiction Now and covers breaking news, features and everything in between. She moved to SoCal after living in NYC for about 10 years, where she worked for VICE and SinoVision as a writer, editor, host, producer, and director. Born and raised in Rio de Janeiro. Contact Livia at liviah@addictionnow.com
